Fade away

20 07 2012

Just over three months ago I left my job that I had been doing for eight years. When I went back to work after my second lot of maternity leave it just didn’t feel right anymore. I just felt like I didn’t care about the job any longer. And that made me think that it was time to move on, to do something new and exciting and that I would want to do as opposed to ended up doing.

I now work one day a week for a sewing shop in Eastbourne, keeping their website and blog up to date, their facebook and twitter, and many other bits and pieces in between. I thought that this would be the perfect postion for me, putting together my online skills and experience with my love of making and sewing and fabric.

On paper it is just that. But actually I find myself feeling just like I did when I went back to work before. And that really, really scares me.

Tiredness and Postnatal depression have robbed me of my passion and love of being organised, getting a job done, throwing myself into a task and not stopping until I have given everything I have and done the best job I can.

That scares me so much. That has always been such an integral part of me. This work ethic, the drive to do well, to impress, to be the best I can at something. Without that I just feel so flat and dull and nothing.

Instead I am now fighting apathy every step of the way. I am so very tired all of the time. Sleep doesn’t seem to have much of an effect neither does rest or time off or time alone. I have no pride in anything at the moment. Not in my work, or my home or my accomplishments. Projects I had been working on have been discarded and forgotten about. I feel a sadness and a futility so deep down that no matter how much I try I can’t fight the tide. I am sinking into myself and I don’t know what to do.

This was probably the worst time to start a new job. I feel that I have let myself down and let everyone else down. I am just going through the motions. I am vacant and not paying 100% of attention. I am dull and lifeless and perhaps I will just fade away. I don’t recognise this person and I don’t like this person. I am worried that leaving that job was the wrong thing to do, that I should have stayed where it was safe and just waited it out.

I want to be vibrant and fun. I want to have passion for something and I want to inspire others. I want to teach, to remember what it was that gave me light and hope and that spark and get it back. I want to get up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead. I want there to be light at the end of my tunnel. I want to have a smile on my face.

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Not normal after all

5 06 2012

I stood in a crowd of people fighting back tears this afternoon, trying to hide my embarrassment and upset from my dear, sensitive boy. It was over such a silly thing, not really worth noting, a ticking off from a WI member at an event my mum had organised over a piece of cake.

That wasn’t the problem it was my reaction. Recently something is bothering me. Emotions are close to the surface and I am easily scratched. Easily upset, prone to snapping, over reacting. Something is bubbling in my chest, taking my breath away, stopping me from being able to be still or quiet.

Anxiety.

I know it well, a constant companion for most of my adult life.

And suddenly, during this long and dull drive home from Cornwall it occurs to me that I know what this is, and why I feel this way.

Ten months ago I started taking anti depressants for Postnatal Depression. In the last month I have finished taking them. In the main I was ready for this. I think that the PND has passed, and that it was the right thing to do.

But now I am left with me. And suddenly it seems clear to me that it wasn’t just my PND that those tablets were helping. I remember remarking at the first meeting of my PND support that I had found it easier to turn up than I usually would have because my usual anxiety wasn’t as bad as normal.

And that’s where I am now. Back to me. Low level anxiety pervades me and our life and makes everything so much harder, so much more effort. I’d forgotten what this was like and I don’t like it at all. At all.

I don’t know what to do. Do I go back to the doctor, back to taking those tablets? If I do will I ever be brave enough to stop taking them again? If this is normal for me how can I?

I lived with this for so many years without realising that it could be different. And now I know there’s an alternative I don’t want to go back.

I’m a little bit lost, and very scared.

What do you do when you realise your normal isn’t that normal after all?





Cybher Meet and Greet

10 05 2012

I am incredibly excited that I am off to Cybher this weekend. Partly because I want to go and learn new things and be inspired but mostly because I get a WEEKEND OFF. And sleep. Although as I am sharing a hotel room with Heather and Emily I may not get as much as I should!

Anyway, usually I would be in bed hours ago but I am being pig headed over some Photobox credits and as I am determined to stay up until my photos have been uploaded and ordered I thought I would share some things about me. If you are at Cybher and spot me then please come and say hello. I am terribly shy and the last three years have robbed me of any brain cells and memory that I once possessed but I would love to chat even if I immediately forget your name!

Huge thanks to Huggies for sponsoring my ticket.

Name: Kelly Cheesley
Blog: A place of my own
Twitter: Kellyfairy
Height: 5 foot something around 3 inches. I am pretty sure I am shrinking.
Hair: Long. Indiscriminate colour. Mousy browny something.
Eyes: Brown. Vacant. Wrinkly. Tired.

Five things about me:
1. I have a 2.75 year old and a 1 year old. The last year is somewhat of a blur to me!
2. I am going to try not to use the word ‘Overwhelming’ this year, it seemed to be the one thing I said to everyone last year! I am going to act cool and take it in my stride *ahem*
3. I live in East Sussex but I grew up in Cornwall. I miss it everyday.
4. I am addicted to my iPhone and the internet.
5. My photos have finally uploaded so I can go to bed!

Come and say hello if you see me this weekend. If I have fallen asleep in a corner please give me a nudge!





Currently…

29 04 2012

… 03:36
… located: in bed
… eating: nothing, but my stomach is rumbling.
… drinking: I really want a cup of tea but that’s a bad idea.
… watching: the glow of my screen.
… listening: to Piran repeatedly calling my name because he wants to get up.
… loving: my family. Yesterday was a good day full of cuddles and new skills.
… enjoying: my snuggly duvet.
… wanting: for Piran to stop crying
… needing: sleep
… preparing: for how I’m going to feel when Kate turns 1 this week.
… thinking: of millions of party ideas and trying to calm myself down a little.

what are you up to right now?

(I read this post over at two become four and decided to join in with it. Sadly I don’t know how to link from my phone but it’s in my blog roll)





Me

20 04 2012

Today I went to the doctor to talk to her about starting to stop taking my antidepressants.

It is a strange feeling to be here. I don’t want to count my chickens but I feel so much better than I did and that makes me want to scream and shout a bit. I did it, I bloody did it.

Friends on twitter told me that when you have two children it is very very hard but after the first year you start to feel human again and it starts to get easier. I trusted them so I believed them but at the time inside I was screaming WHAT? A YEAR? A WHOLE YEAR? YOU MUST BE JOKING.

Well, I can honestly say that they were right. Kate came into our lives 352 days ago, and as I rush headlong towards the huge milestone that is her first birthday I definitely feel that this is now easier, that going out and doing things, getting through a day at home, managing to look after a family of four is not the impossible task that I felt it was at times over the last twelve months.

And now it is me in that position, with a very good friend due to give birth imminently to her second child, my best friend pregnant with her second in the summer, trying to find the balance between warning them that two children IS MIND BLOWING SOUL SUCKING SLEEP DEPRIVING UTTER CHAOS and reassuring them that yes, this will be hard but if I can do it they can and that I will always be here for them. Just concentrate on getting through the first year.

Ah-ha.

We are so blessed with our beautiful children and now I have a handle on them and looking after them and getting through each day it is time to turn my attention to myself for a bit. The next few months are going to be hard with Mr C away during the week 75% of the time, but we have our routines and our friends and I am sure we will be fine. I have left my job of eight years and now I work one day a week freelance for the Owl and Sewing Cat, updating their website and I am starting blogging for them too. Any of you sewing / crafty people should check it out. And if you are local to Eastbourne then I highly recommend their workshops – I have attended both the dressmaking and quilting ones and I loved every minute.

I am also making a little money from this blog, and a couple of other things that I have been working on. I still feel like there are not enough hours in the day to get stuff done and shortly I will have a backlog of reviews on the blog but slowly it is all slotting into place. One thing that I am doing at the moment is attending a three week Beginners DSLR course with Jerry Lebens Photography School and after the first week I must admit that I love it but it is definitely a trial and error thing. This is my favourite photo so far this week. It is great to get my brain thinking of something new.

I love my life. I love being home but I really love having the opportunity to do something new. I am learning and it is exciting. And under it all I am remembering what it is like to be me.





Next month

13 03 2012

This month I am working three days a week, we have all been ill, I am just getting over a bout of tonsillitis of all things. I feel like I am walking around in a fog most of the time, barely managing to feed and clothe us all and find our house at the bottom of all the stuff that four people create. I just keep thinking to myself, Next Month.

Next month I will only be working one day a week out of the house.
Next month I will have time to blog.
Next month I will have time to comment on other people’s blogs.
Next month I will have time to reply to emails.
Next month I will have time to catch up with review posts that are due.
Next month I will be able to put my all into my new job.
Next month I will be able to make plans.
Next month I will do all the admin that I need to.
Next month I will sort out all the paperwork.
Next month I will write to a friend.
Next month I will finsh sorting the front room.
Next month I will start sorting the kitchen.
Next month I will be better with our grocery money.
Next month I will plan our meals better.
Next month I will finish my book.
Next month I will start the book I have been waiting to read for years.
Next month I will catch up on sleep after a  bad night.
Next month I will remember birthdays.
Next month I will make all the birthday presents I have missed.
Next month I will sew.
Next month I will find the bottom of my laundry basket.
Next month I will do the breakfast dishes before dinnertime.
Next month I will take the time to paint with Piran.
Next month I will have time to bake.
Next month I will find a routine and a rhythm.
Next month I will clear the clutter.
Next month I will surround myself with beautiful, useful things.
Next month I will join in with Things they say and do.
Next month I will study.
Next month I will start to learn how to use the camera.
Next month I will write about the books by my bed.
Next month I will keep my bedroom tidy.
Next month I will see friends that I miss.
Next month I will play with my children.
Next month I will get this photo up on my wall.

Next month I will be exhausted!





The Gallery: Me right now

1 02 2012

So, for the gallery this week you had to take a picture of you and what you were doing when you read Tara’s gallery prompt post this week.

It was Friday night. I had driven back from Cornwall on my own with two children for the first time ever. My carefully planned journey including a stop at Heather’s house for dinner had fallen apart when I got stuck in a traffic jam due to a lorry fire on the A303 and had to take a detour and head straight home. The second half of the journey was mostly hell on a stick and when I finally reached home at 6.30pm with two children having cried for the last 45 minutes I could have happily joined them. The house was dark, Mr C was traveling back from Germany and there were no parking spaces near the house. I couldn’t get the children in and then park as I can’t leave them in the house alone and so I parked at the top of the close and tried to get them out. I discovered that Piran had trashed his shoes so I managed to get them on enough for him to walk. Piran was crying for cuddles I had to carry Kate. He decided to manage this by hanging onto my trouser legs. Kate was crying and as I was getting her out of the car Piran fell over in the mud. I picked him up, set him on his feet and dusted him off, slung Kate under my arm and held his hand.  There are no street lights where we live and Piran hates the dark without a torch. They were both weeping and wailing and it was suddenly very obvious that Kate had had a monster poo. We got into the house and I just dropped to the floor in the hallway, trying to cuddle Piran to stop him crying and deal with the poo explosion in Kate’s nappy (and clothes).

Then Mr C walked in.

I believe I practically shouted “Thank God for that”. I was frankly amazed that I managed that sentence without the F word.

Two hours and two large glasses of wine later I took some time to read through some blogs in my reader on my phone. I read Tara’s post and then took this picture. I think I look particularly fetching in my pyjama bottoms and striped top. I was just relived that I still had my wits about me and that I had survived the ordeal!