Fade away

20 07 2012

Just over three months ago I left my job that I had been doing for eight years. When I went back to work after my second lot of maternity leave it just didn’t feel right anymore. I just felt like I didn’t care about the job any longer. And that made me think that it was time to move on, to do something new and exciting and that I would want to do as opposed to ended up doing.

I now work one day a week for a sewing shop in Eastbourne, keeping their website and blog up to date, their facebook and twitter, and many other bits and pieces in between. I thought that this would be the perfect postion for me, putting together my online skills and experience with my love of making and sewing and fabric.

On paper it is just that. But actually I find myself feeling just like I did when I went back to work before. And that really, really scares me.

Tiredness and Postnatal depression have robbed me of my passion and love of being organised, getting a job done, throwing myself into a task and not stopping until I have given everything I have and done the best job I can.

That scares me so much. That has always been such an integral part of me. This work ethic, the drive to do well, to impress, to be the best I can at something. Without that I just feel so flat and dull and nothing.

Instead I am now fighting apathy every step of the way. I am so very tired all of the time. Sleep doesn’t seem to have much of an effect neither does rest or time off or time alone. I have no pride in anything at the moment. Not in my work, or my home or my accomplishments. Projects I had been working on have been discarded and forgotten about. I feel a sadness and a futility so deep down that no matter how much I try I can’t fight the tide. I am sinking into myself and I don’t know what to do.

This was probably the worst time to start a new job. I feel that I have let myself down and let everyone else down. I am just going through the motions. I am vacant and not paying 100% of attention. I am dull and lifeless and perhaps I will just fade away. I don’t recognise this person and I don’t like this person. I am worried that leaving that job was the wrong thing to do, that I should have stayed where it was safe and just waited it out.

I want to be vibrant and fun. I want to have passion for something and I want to inspire others. I want to teach, to remember what it was that gave me light and hope and that spark and get it back. I want to get up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead. I want there to be light at the end of my tunnel. I want to have a smile on my face.


Next month

13 03 2012

This month I am working three days a week, we have all been ill, I am just getting over a bout of tonsillitis of all things. I feel like I am walking around in a fog most of the time, barely managing to feed and clothe us all and find our house at the bottom of all the stuff that four people create. I just keep thinking to myself, Next Month.

Next month I will only be working one day a week out of the house.
Next month I will have time to blog.
Next month I will have time to comment on other people’s blogs.
Next month I will have time to reply to emails.
Next month I will have time to catch up with review posts that are due.
Next month I will be able to put my all into my new job.
Next month I will be able to make plans.
Next month I will do all the admin that I need to.
Next month I will sort out all the paperwork.
Next month I will write to a friend.
Next month I will finsh sorting the front room.
Next month I will start sorting the kitchen.
Next month I will be better with our grocery money.
Next month I will plan our meals better.
Next month I will finish my book.
Next month I will start the book I have been waiting to read for years.
Next month I will catch up on sleep after a  bad night.
Next month I will remember birthdays.
Next month I will make all the birthday presents I have missed.
Next month I will sew.
Next month I will find the bottom of my laundry basket.
Next month I will do the breakfast dishes before dinnertime.
Next month I will take the time to paint with Piran.
Next month I will have time to bake.
Next month I will find a routine and a rhythm.
Next month I will clear the clutter.
Next month I will surround myself with beautiful, useful things.
Next month I will join in with Things they say and do.
Next month I will study.
Next month I will start to learn how to use the camera.
Next month I will write about the books by my bed.
Next month I will keep my bedroom tidy.
Next month I will see friends that I miss.
Next month I will play with my children.
Next month I will get this photo up on my wall.

Next month I will be exhausted!

Complete and utter chaos.

25 02 2012

It has been a long couple of weeks, a break in Torquay with family has been followed by a week of solo parenting as well as working. The Kate got ill on Thursday with a vomiting bug and Piran developed a cough and cold on Friday. I have not had a decent nights sleep in weeks and I feel like I am running on empty. Blah de blah blah blah.

It is coming up to that time of the month again too. I can tell as I have an overwhelming urge to kill everyone.

Poor Kate is so ill though and it is so hard. Most of the milk we give her comes back and I am sick of the sound of the washing machine and I have run out of clean trousers. Even just after three days she looks so different, thin and tired all of the time. Suddenly grown up, our baby has disappeared. I know it is more to do with the fact she is ill but I look at her and I can hardly recognise her all of a sudden. She hasn’t stood up for days and she is quiet. Occasionally she has even fallen asleep next to me, or even on me which is so unheard of. Most of the time she is miserable and just fights us all the way though. Will not be held and comforted even though she is crying and unhappy.

I am exhausted and going round in circles. Anyway, suffice to say things are a little fraught round here. In the midst of this all there were big changes for me as I decided that it wasn’t working back at work and so I handed in my notice this week. With lots of solo parenting during the week this year with Mr C traveling a lot for work we made a decision that I would be better off at home. I have a freelance job lined up once a week which I am so excited about and I have lots of plans and schemes that I will start to get to grips with once I have some free time.

My biggest project over the next month while I work out my notice is our front room. As I mentioned earlier this year I want to concentrate on making our home somewhere that works for us and this is the first step. I will blog along the way I am sure.

Happy Weekend everyone. I hope that things settle down round here and I am back blogging more frequently soon.

Me, now.

10 08 2011

It has been four weeks since I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti depressants for postnatal depression.

A few times since then I have thought about blogging about how I have been feeling, but there were things like birthdays to think about and then write about and I have been trying to focus on good and happy things but at the end of the day, things really aren’t good and happy for me right now.

This blog is many things and although it started out as just a place to me be, it has developed into something more. I hope that one day my children will read it and learn about what our lives were like when they were small, how we dealt with growing up ourselves as parental responsibility took over. How I am feeling right now is an important part of that journey and cannot be ignored. I guess I would just hate to think that at some point in the future they might read about it and feel that it is any reflection on them. It is not. I love being a mum, I love my babies. I am just not very good at it all right now.

I am exhausted. I keep thinking to myself that I could handle all of this if ………. (insert reason here). Each week I change that statement. I could handle all of this if Kate would just stop crying so much. I could handle all of this if Kate was in a routine. I could handle all of this if Piran would sleep at night and stay in his own bed. But each time we tackle one of these things and I don’t feel better, I don’t feel like I am coping, I end up feeling worse.

I was trying to explain it to Mr C last week and it is as if I keep setting myself up for disappointment. If I have a good day I think “yes, things are getting better” and then the following day when I feel terrible again all my hopes and dreams of this getting better disappear and I feel so much worse. It is like my brain just will not accept that this is not something that will go away overnight. I am not going to feel better for a while yet. This will take months not weeks and I should stop searching for that chink of light at the end of the tunnel because it really isn’t there yet.

If anything I think it is further away. I feel so very lost. I feel miserable. I feel useless. I am in a horrible viscous circle where I am so tired and need sleep but either my children or insomnia keeps me awake at night. When Piran was small I would sleep anywhere and everywhere and fall into bed and be asleep in seconds. Now I lay for hours in the dark with my stomach in knots trying to get myself to sleep. That just makes it worse of course.

I can feel my life getting smaller and smaller everyday. The best thing for me is to go out and see people, to not stay home but if I am exhausted I don’t want to drive with Kate and Piran in the car as I don’t feel safe. So I stay home and that makes me feel anxious and worried and so I don’t sleep and I am going out less and sleeping less and losing all of my very limited amounts of positive energy. I walk around with my stomach constantly in knots of anxiety.

Last time I was depressed and suffered from anxiety I could hide in my room under the duvet. You can’t do that when you have children. You have to keep going for them. I just want to hide from the world.

I hate that I don’t recognise myself. I have always been organised, on time. I am forgetting appointments and to send birthday cards and presents. I got the wrong time for our first swimming lesson and ended up sat at the side of the pool in tears. I just couldn’t stop crying. I was mortified. I hate that it takes me three days to manage to complete a task as small as a load of washing. I hate that my husband has to work a full day in a stressful job and then come home and make sure that everything at home has been done as well. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I still feel like this even though I have fabulous support from my husband and my inlaws. Why isn’t it enough for me?

I am taking the tablets but I don’t know if they are working. The doctor just checked I wasn’t having any bad side effects and gave me more. I don’t know how this is meant to work. I feel lost and abandoned. Do I just take tablets and sit back and wait for things to get better? What if that doesn’t happen? How long should it take? Who can help me?

It is not all bad and I have to try and remember that. So I have created a happiness jar and when something funny happens or something good I write it down and pop it in there. I will then have a jar of happiness and wonderful memories for when I feel better.

This is a long and rambling post with very little point other than it does me good every once in a while to open my head and let the thoughts pour out. It gets rid of all the negative ones and leaves room to think and maybe dream a little of what life will be like for us all when I feel better.

Here and now

14 04 2011

I won’t apologise for the fact that this isn’t a shiny happy post. It is how I feel right now and this blog is me. But I am writing this bit at the top, now I have reached the bottom just to give you a heads up.

I feel the need to blog.
I have no idea what to write about.
Everything feels so strange at the moment.
Emotionally I am all over the place.
It is sad but I don’t feel excited about the baby any more.
That has been lost, overwhelmed and overtaken by an undercurrent of panic.
It is like I am unable to take a deep breath, if I do I will feel too much.
I don’t feel ready for this baby.
For how hard it is to look after a newborn.
I find it hard enough to look after Piran at the moment.
After being on the left for weeks she has switched to the right.
I cannot help feeling I did something wrong.The closer I get to the birth of this baby the more I worry.
It is going to hurt and I am not good with pain.
I haven’t prepared properly, I am not ready for it to happen.
I am scared of Piran seeing me in pain.
I have low level anxiety about so many things, labour, breastfeeding, induction, how Piran will react.
I want my body back.
I want to lie down and be comfortable.
I want to be physically able to do the things that Piran needs me to.
I want to be able to cuddle my husband in bed.
I want to be able to lie on my back.
I want to be able to eat and drink anything I like.

I am afraid.
I am afraid that something bad will happen to me.
I am afraid that something bad will happen to my baby.
I know that I am being silly but I can’t switch this off.
I have written things down for Mr C to make me feel better.
The daily routine, what Piran needs on each day of the week, what I do, when things happen.
It didn’t really help.

Where is the positivity?
Where is my hope?
Where is my happiness?

I don’t want this all to happen.
I want it to happen now.
I am no good at waiting.
I want to rip it off like a plaster, get started now.
Don’t put off until tomorrow and all that.
Except that isn’t my choice.
The baby will come when she is ready.
The baby will come when I am ready.
I expect all of this above will mean that we have to wait a long time again.

What will she be like?
Will she be a female Piran or completely different?
Will she be big or small, short or tall?
Will she be beautiful, happy, hard work, easy, contented, colicky, restless, a sleeper?
Will I love her immediately?
If I don’t will we bond in the end like I did with Piran?
If we do will I feel guilty because it wasn’t like that with Piran?
Will she have blue eyes like her Dad or brown eyes like me and her brother?
Will she love her brother, will he love her?

I know some things for certain.
We are good parents with plenty of love to give.
We will survive this together.
There are many people in our lives that love us, and will love this new addition to our family.
We have a roof over our head, clothes for ourselves and our children, plenty of food for everyone.
I have the best husband any one could have.
He understands me, what I need, when I need it.
Somedays better than I understand myself.
Tomorrow will come, and we will cope with everything that comes to us.
New baby cuddles will definitely help.

The week that wasn’t

21 01 2011

Those that follow me on Twitter will not have been able to miss the fact that I am ill again. I am surprised I haven’t lost most of my followers with my constant moaning. I am bored of it myself that is for sure.

I don’t know what is wrong. I guess it is either a reaction to last week’s swine flu jab or some kind of virus. In the afternoon on Tuesday I felt really cold and shivery, but as the baby sitters were booked I had a very long hot shower and got dressed (and tweeted that I looked like a pregnant lobster) and off we went for dinner. We were back just over an hour later after me being unable to eat my meal and developing a temperature. I have spent since 8.30 Tuesday night in bed. The temperature came and went. I have no appetite, I feel queasy on occasions but mostly I am tired. Bone achingly tired. Unable to lift my head from the pillow tired. Takes two hours to get upright and to the bath tired.

It scares me. I’ve struggled to eat but I know that I have to for the baby. Who seems perfectly fine, dancing and bouncing and making my stomach move constantly. Which is lovely, but doesn’t feel great when you have an upset stomach.

Piran has spent three days and one night away from home because I have been unable to look after him. I hate it. I feel like a failure. I know how ridiculous that is but it doesn’t make the guilt go away. I keep thinking to myself that this is all in my head, that I am just being lazy. That if I got up and starting doing something then I would realise that there isn’t really anything wrong. Then I have a shower and have to go and lie down afterward! All this time on my own, not doing anything is not good for me. I have started to panic about how I will manage to look after Piran as I get bigger and bigger. I am only six months pregnant, we have three long months left. What will happen if I am ill after the baby comes? How will I cope. I think I am being pathetic and useless and I make myself get up and try and get something done. Then I go back and lie down! It is not in my mind, and no amount of giving myself a talking to is going to get me up on my feet this week.

Oh I don’t know why I am writing all this down. It doesn’t make any sense anyway. I am ill, I should just shut up and deal with it and save all of my energy for getting better instead of getting myself worked up about things that I just cannot control. I think the whole thing has just got all caught up with the understandable anxieties of having a second baby. I am sure that when I am stronger and better equipped to examine how I am feeling I will be back to blog about that too.

Here’s to a restful, family weekend. And a lot of cuddles from Piran, I have missed those this week.


1 11 2010

I think Piran is napping. Finally. Okay, I know it is only twenty past ten but it has been a testing four hours so far this morning. Poor old Piran, last week he had his cousins on hand to play with all day every day and now he is back here with just me to cope with. It is like he has forgotten how to play by himself. Which is a shame as he was always very good at that and we used to muddle along just fine for a couple hours. I am sure he will settle back but right now he is more about trying to do everything that I don’t want him to do. How do you get through to a 15 month old? He keeps pressing all the buttons on the Sky box. Every time I tell him know and move him away but he just goes straight back and does it again or decides to have a screaming fit instead. Is this just what it is like and I should get used to it, or is there something we can do?

It is mornings like this that make me fear for how we will manage when the new baby comes. Today baby number two (no nickname as yet) is doing a number on me, with terrible sickness. Piran’s poo is interesting and these two things together make me a bit of a wreck! I don’t want to complain, I know this is only the beginning if my last pregnancy is anything to go by but I am beginning to worry. Other people’s reactions have not helped, I think everyone thinks we have done this too soon, but I didn’t want to be 35 when I had baby number two. Mr C is five years older than me and we just felt that there is never a perfect time to have a second baby so we would do it now. I think I am just hormonal and worrying too much at the moment. I am just so tired and take everything a bit personally. My MIL made a comment about the age difference between Piran and the new baby on Saturday and since then I have been all tied up inside. I need to just try and forget about it.

God I am tired though. Sick and tired and really unable to function very well at all. There is so much to think about, so many jobs to get done and things to sort out but all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. But then I get that panicked feeling that nothing will ever get done and things will get worse and worse and the world will end. Or something like that.

I don’t know. I neglect my blog for weeks and then when I do get five minutes to write a post it is all whinging and moaning. Sorry about that. Any words of wisdom or advice and reassurance gratefully received today I think. Help me pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with life.