Fade away

20 07 2012

Just over three months ago I left my job that I had been doing for eight years. When I went back to work after my second lot of maternity leave it just didn’t feel right anymore. I just felt like I didn’t care about the job any longer. And that made me think that it was time to move on, to do something new and exciting and that I would want to do as opposed to ended up doing.

I now work one day a week for a sewing shop in Eastbourne, keeping their website and blog up to date, their facebook and twitter, and many other bits and pieces in between. I thought that this would be the perfect postion for me, putting together my online skills and experience with my love of making and sewing and fabric.

On paper it is just that. But actually I find myself feeling just like I did when I went back to work before. And that really, really scares me.

Tiredness and Postnatal depression have robbed me of my passion and love of being organised, getting a job done, throwing myself into a task and not stopping until I have given everything I have and done the best job I can.

That scares me so much. That has always been such an integral part of me. This work ethic, the drive to do well, to impress, to be the best I can at something. Without that I just feel so flat and dull and nothing.

Instead I am now fighting apathy every step of the way. I am so very tired all of the time. Sleep doesn’t seem to have much of an effect neither does rest or time off or time alone. I have no pride in anything at the moment. Not in my work, or my home or my accomplishments. Projects I had been working on have been discarded and forgotten about. I feel a sadness and a futility so deep down that no matter how much I try I can’t fight the tide. I am sinking into myself and I don’t know what to do.

This was probably the worst time to start a new job. I feel that I have let myself down and let everyone else down. I am just going through the motions. I am vacant and not paying 100% of attention. I am dull and lifeless and perhaps I will just fade away. I don’t recognise this person and I don’t like this person. I am worried that leaving that job was the wrong thing to do, that I should have stayed where it was safe and just waited it out.

I want to be vibrant and fun. I want to have passion for something and I want to inspire others. I want to teach, to remember what it was that gave me light and hope and that spark and get it back. I want to get up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead. I want there to be light at the end of my tunnel. I want to have a smile on my face.

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