Not normal after all

5 06 2012

I stood in a crowd of people fighting back tears this afternoon, trying to hide my embarrassment and upset from my dear, sensitive boy. It was over such a silly thing, not really worth noting, a ticking off from a WI member at an event my mum had organised over a piece of cake.

That wasn’t the problem it was my reaction. Recently something is bothering me. Emotions are close to the surface and I am easily scratched. Easily upset, prone to snapping, over reacting. Something is bubbling in my chest, taking my breath away, stopping me from being able to be still or quiet.

Anxiety.

I know it well, a constant companion for most of my adult life.

And suddenly, during this long and dull drive home from Cornwall it occurs to me that I know what this is, and why I feel this way.

Ten months ago I started taking anti depressants for Postnatal Depression. In the last month I have finished taking them. In the main I was ready for this. I think that the PND has passed, and that it was the right thing to do.

But now I am left with me. And suddenly it seems clear to me that it wasn’t just my PND that those tablets were helping. I remember remarking at the first meeting of my PND support that I had found it easier to turn up than I usually would have because my usual anxiety wasn’t as bad as normal.

And that’s where I am now. Back to me. Low level anxiety pervades me and our life and makes everything so much harder, so much more effort. I’d forgotten what this was like and I don’t like it at all. At all.

I don’t know what to do. Do I go back to the doctor, back to taking those tablets? If I do will I ever be brave enough to stop taking them again? If this is normal for me how can I?

I lived with this for so many years without realising that it could be different. And now I know there’s an alternative I don’t want to go back.

I’m a little bit lost, and very scared.

What do you do when you realise your normal isn’t that normal after all?

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2 responses

6 06 2012
Snaffles Mummy

Firstly I wanted to send a hug. I don't think there is such a thing as normal, we are all different and all unique. I have no knowledge of medicine so don't understand thr long term implications of going back on medication etc buy if it makes you happier, makes life easier to manage, means you enjoy your family then it can't be a bad thing. going back to gp doesn't necessarily mean back on the tablets, there may be other courses you can do, ones to help manage anxiety.hope you find a solution that you ate happy with. people will love you for who you are, we all get. emotional.

6 06 2012
Snaffles Mummy

Firstly I wanted to send a hug. I don't think there is such a thing as normal, we are all different and all unique. I have no knowledge of medicine so don't understand thr long term implications of going back on medication etc buy if it makes you happier, makes life easier to manage, means you enjoy your family then it can't be a bad thing. going back to gp doesn't necessarily mean back on the tablets, there may be other courses you can do, ones to help manage anxiety.hope you find a solution that you ate happy with. people will love you for who you are, we all get. emotional.

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