Me, now.

10 08 2011

It has been four weeks since I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti depressants for postnatal depression.

A few times since then I have thought about blogging about how I have been feeling, but there were things like birthdays to think about and then write about and I have been trying to focus on good and happy things but at the end of the day, things really aren’t good and happy for me right now.

This blog is many things and although it started out as just a place to me be, it has developed into something more. I hope that one day my children will read it and learn about what our lives were like when they were small, how we dealt with growing up ourselves as parental responsibility took over. How I am feeling right now is an important part of that journey and cannot be ignored. I guess I would just hate to think that at some point in the future they might read about it and feel that it is any reflection on them. It is not. I love being a mum, I love my babies. I am just not very good at it all right now.

I am exhausted. I keep thinking to myself that I could handle all of this if ………. (insert reason here). Each week I change that statement. I could handle all of this if Kate would just stop crying so much. I could handle all of this if Kate was in a routine. I could handle all of this if Piran would sleep at night and stay in his own bed. But each time we tackle one of these things and I don’t feel better, I don’t feel like I am coping, I end up feeling worse.

I was trying to explain it to Mr C last week and it is as if I keep setting myself up for disappointment. If I have a good day I think “yes, things are getting better” and then the following day when I feel terrible again all my hopes and dreams of this getting better disappear and I feel so much worse. It is like my brain just will not accept that this is not something that will go away overnight. I am not going to feel better for a while yet. This will take months not weeks and I should stop searching for that chink of light at the end of the tunnel because it really isn’t there yet.

If anything I think it is further away. I feel so very lost. I feel miserable. I feel useless. I am in a horrible viscous circle where I am so tired and need sleep but either my children or insomnia keeps me awake at night. When Piran was small I would sleep anywhere and everywhere and fall into bed and be asleep in seconds. Now I lay for hours in the dark with my stomach in knots trying to get myself to sleep. That just makes it worse of course.

I can feel my life getting smaller and smaller everyday. The best thing for me is to go out and see people, to not stay home but if I am exhausted I don’t want to drive with Kate and Piran in the car as I don’t feel safe. So I stay home and that makes me feel anxious and worried and so I don’t sleep and I am going out less and sleeping less and losing all of my very limited amounts of positive energy. I walk around with my stomach constantly in knots of anxiety.

Last time I was depressed and suffered from anxiety I could hide in my room under the duvet. You can’t do that when you have children. You have to keep going for them. I just want to hide from the world.

I hate that I don’t recognise myself. I have always been organised, on time. I am forgetting appointments and to send birthday cards and presents. I got the wrong time for our first swimming lesson and ended up sat at the side of the pool in tears. I just couldn’t stop crying. I was mortified. I hate that it takes me three days to manage to complete a task as small as a load of washing. I hate that my husband has to work a full day in a stressful job and then come home and make sure that everything at home has been done as well. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I still feel like this even though I have fabulous support from my husband and my inlaws. Why isn’t it enough for me?

I am taking the tablets but I don’t know if they are working. The doctor just checked I wasn’t having any bad side effects and gave me more. I don’t know how this is meant to work. I feel lost and abandoned. Do I just take tablets and sit back and wait for things to get better? What if that doesn’t happen? How long should it take? Who can help me?

It is not all bad and I have to try and remember that. So I have created a happiness jar and when something funny happens or something good I write it down and pop it in there. I will then have a jar of happiness and wonderful memories for when I feel better.

This is a long and rambling post with very little point other than it does me good every once in a while to open my head and let the thoughts pour out. It gets rid of all the negative ones and leaves room to think and maybe dream a little of what life will be like for us all when I feel better.

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