16 07 2011

I am driving and both of the children are asleep. I am thinking of my doctor’s appointment in a couple days time and trying to work out what I am going to say. I wonder if I am being silly, if these feelings are just normal and wonder why I suddenly feel that I am not coping. I wonder if I am making it all up.

Wednesday is a good day. We go shopping and bake cakes. I try to relax and embrace the mess. I play bat and ball with Piran in the garden. He is so cute and so funny and he makes me laugh so much. But the sound is odd to me, and I feel like there is a huge whole in my middle. I reassure myself with the fact that he doesn’t know that; he is just having fun.

I rehearse over and over what I am going to say to the doctor. I dread her asking what I want, what I need as I don’t know. Again and again I wonder if I am just making this up, if it is all just for attention. But then I realise that I cry when I am alone, and that doesn’t get me any attention at all. Perhaps this is real.

I cry during my doctors appointment. I list all the things that I am worried about. That by 6 weeks after Pirab was born I felt in control, that this hasn’t happened this time and that makes me worried. That I cry a lot. That I cannot sleep even when I am only getting a couple hours a night. That I am having anxiety attacks over the smallest things. That I get upset over the smallest things. That I am constantly worried. The doctor gives me a questionnaire and it is as if I wrote it myself. All of this things are there.

I drive home from the doctors. It seems that the floodgates have opened and now I have admitted something is wrong all of the emotions are free. Tears fill my eyes, making it seem like the car is full of water and the waves are lapping at my face. I blink to clear my eyes and tears run down my face. I hate crying in the car. I am grateful I am wearing sunglasses.

I have a good afternoon where I get a lot done. I feel fantastic and wonder if this whole things was an over reaction. Logically however I unerstand that this is the roller coaster that I am on at the moment. Highs and lows, good times and bad times. Just because I feel great now, doesn’t mean that I will feel that way all the time.

I lie in the dark. I should be sleeping but I am thinking and worrying as usual. My mind skips from subject to subject. I fidget in my bed. I listen to Kate sleep. I worry if Piran should move to a bed. I am so afraid that I am not giving him the time and attention he needs. There are things I should teach him, but where do I find the time.

I go to see a good friend and she is so wonderful. She tells me that I am not alone, that she has been there and that she has come through the other side. I offload my worries about how we manage difficult behaviour from Piran and she gives me some great ideas. It helps me feel in control. I am so lucky to have friends like this.

I watch Piran playing with a Buzz Lightyear and a Woody toy that he has never seen before. He is enamoured with it and it makes me feel happy. I am trying to capture these moments, to try not to get so wrapped up in my head and my problems that I miss these wonderful moments. He laughs when Woody talks to him. I laugh too.

Kate is very smiley. I sit her up on my lap and she does this thing where she gives a big sigh and makes a noise at the same time. It is almost like a laugh, and also sounds like ahe is saying “Hi”. I copy her and she replies. We have our first conversation.

I am alone on Friday night with just Kate asleep in the house. I get my sewing machine out for the first time since she was born and finish a project that I really wanted to do. It is fun and soothing. It takes just the right amount of concentration that I don’t have to think about how I feel, what I am going to do. I listen to interesting Radio 4 programmes and drink wine. For a moment I just feel like me.




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