Here and now

14 04 2011

I won’t apologise for the fact that this isn’t a shiny happy post. It is how I feel right now and this blog is me. But I am writing this bit at the top, now I have reached the bottom just to give you a heads up.

I feel the need to blog.
I have no idea what to write about.
Everything feels so strange at the moment.
Emotionally I am all over the place.
It is sad but I don’t feel excited about the baby any more.
That has been lost, overwhelmed and overtaken by an undercurrent of panic.
It is like I am unable to take a deep breath, if I do I will feel too much.
I don’t feel ready for this baby.
For how hard it is to look after a newborn.
I find it hard enough to look after Piran at the moment.
After being on the left for weeks she has switched to the right.
I cannot help feeling I did something wrong.The closer I get to the birth of this baby the more I worry.
It is going to hurt and I am not good with pain.
I haven’t prepared properly, I am not ready for it to happen.
I am scared of Piran seeing me in pain.
I have low level anxiety about so many things, labour, breastfeeding, induction, how Piran will react.
I want my body back.
I want to lie down and be comfortable.
I want to be physically able to do the things that Piran needs me to.
I want to be able to cuddle my husband in bed.
I want to be able to lie on my back.
I want to be able to eat and drink anything I like.

I am afraid.
I am afraid that something bad will happen to me.
I am afraid that something bad will happen to my baby.
I know that I am being silly but I can’t switch this off.
I have written things down for Mr C to make me feel better.
The daily routine, what Piran needs on each day of the week, what I do, when things happen.
It didn’t really help.

Where is the positivity?
Where is my hope?
Where is my happiness?

I don’t want this all to happen.
I want it to happen now.
I am no good at waiting.
I want to rip it off like a plaster, get started now.
Don’t put off until tomorrow and all that.
Except that isn’t my choice.
The baby will come when she is ready.
The baby will come when I am ready.
I expect all of this above will mean that we have to wait a long time again.

What will she be like?
Will she be a female Piran or completely different?
Will she be big or small, short or tall?
Will she be beautiful, happy, hard work, easy, contented, colicky, restless, a sleeper?
Will I love her immediately?
If I don’t will we bond in the end like I did with Piran?
If we do will I feel guilty because it wasn’t like that with Piran?
Will she have blue eyes like her Dad or brown eyes like me and her brother?
Will she love her brother, will he love her?

I know some things for certain.
We are good parents with plenty of love to give.
We will survive this together.
There are many people in our lives that love us, and will love this new addition to our family.
We have a roof over our head, clothes for ourselves and our children, plenty of food for everyone.
I have the best husband any one could have.
He understands me, what I need, when I need it.
Somedays better than I understand myself.
Tomorrow will come, and we will cope with everything that comes to us.
New baby cuddles will definitely help.

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