#reverb10: Day 5

5 12 2010

My fifth post for reverb10

Let Go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I’ve been thinking about this all day and I keep coming back to the same thing. This year I realised that to survive as a mum I needed to learn to let go of my absolute need to control everything in my life. Part of my coping strategy to deal with my anxiety and panic attacks has been that I needed to always know where I was going, when, how, what I would be doing. It meant that I would have time to make contingency plans for if something went wrong. For years I have arrived early for every single appointment, function, day out.

With a baby the best laid plans go awry, sometimes before you even get up in the morning. A bad night can have implications for days. I have had to learn to revise plans, think on my feet and it turns out it’s not the end of the world. That was a shocking thing for me to realise.

Piran has always liked a schedule, but not a strict one. We would potter along for a few weeks until something started to feel a bit wrong and I would realise that we needed to adjust things in some way. I would take a deep breath, find a free day and then just trust my instincts and spend the day at home with him and just let him show me what he needed. Looking back that was one of the best decisions I made as a mum and it has done me the world of good. We did it a few times in total and it always made everyone happier. It made me realise that not only could I do this but perhaps I was good at looking after this person too.

Some habits die hard though. I still leave very early for things, but usually there is a nappy situation or something that pops up and delays me slightly so more often than not I turn up on time!

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