Fear and Self-loathing

11 10 2006

Once a month I look in the mirror and I find myself almost unable to continue to look. I cannot meet my eyes in the mirror, or give more than a cursory glance to be sure that my hair is tidy or I am presentable. If I do spend any time looking a million horrible thoughts fill my brain jostling for pole postion to put myself down. usually I recognise this behaviour within a few moments, and the title of this post always pops into my head. It is my little hormone mantra which is repeated often over a short period each month.

It captures it perfectly I think and serves to remind me that what I am going through is not rational, everyday thoughts but my idiot brain being twisted by the hormones. The fear part comes in because on these days of the month I have no confidence in my abilities. Things that I usually do without even thinking become huge hurdles. I constantly second guess every decision that I make and doing the simplest things become a huge trial.

The self loathing is pretty obvious. I am convinced that I am the ugliest, fattest, most digusting thing that I have ever seen. Just looking in the mirror is too painful. I feel that hardly any of my clothes fit and even if they do I think that they look unattractive and frumpy. I want to wear baggy trousers and big jumpers and preferably a huge duvet to cover me entirely.

On these days, nothing makes me happy. I refuse to smile or laugh. I have no enthusiasm for anything and go out of my way to make myself more miserable.

These are not the angry hormone days. These are the horrible, horrible, sad hormone days that tear my soul apart.

Yesterday was BAD. Today is a little better but I am still freaking out. Tomorrow I will probably be better. I really hope so :o)




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